93 posts later...

This is moving, Im moving!
Okay well not me, not yet, but this blog is! I have ranted on it for as much as I could! It has housed everything Ive felt in the last year and pretty much captured all my struggles... for those of you who havent figured it out. Its time to move it to a bigger and better blog.

Its time to share, the places Ive been, the people I've seen, the things Ive done and the love I've shared. Moving on up babies. Putting my writing skills to use. MWA... Love you baby dragonflies!

Away

Okay so I am not on vacation, but I am so busy that I am on the brink of being thoroughly overwhelmed. 3 summer courses and a job is killing me slowly, but this is what I wanted to do. This is what I signed up for. So why am I feeling so out of it all the time? Lack of sleep or maybe lack of self-discipline. I feel the waters slowely rising and seeping through the walls. Screaming doesn't help. I've tried.

I feel betrayed. Its in the past, long gone, but I feel it still. I can't look at you. I avoid you like the plague, avoid your gaze, avoid your touch. You have been tainted and I have been in the dark. I cannot ask you. I feel ashamed. Ashamed for what I think you have done. Ashamed for the innocence you've stolen from me. Replaced it with doubt and mistrust. 

A little Whitman

Today I spent outside hanging with my cat, staring down a raccoon, watching it disregard my space and take a nap infront of me. I dealt with a giant spider ( didn't kill it) , made home-made flat bread pizza, watched a butterfly land on my BB and got some readings done for my American Lit class and of course had a passage resonate in my soul. From Walt Whitman's intro to "Leaves of Grass"

"...This is what you shall do: Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body..." 

Waiting

Wait, who is that again? I feel like the skin I am wearing is not mine. Wait, who are you again? I feel like we were never introduced properly. Wait, what is this again? I feel like this situation is messed up.

I don't understand what is happening to me, to you, to us. I feel all alone, as I watch you, sit beside me I keep trying to touch you but my hands cant reach you and my words wont move you. I am afraid. Afraid for my life and for yours. I fear that things will change, more quickly then we anticipated and then one or both will be hurt. I want to hold you, but my fear keeps me paralyzed in my spot, and I feel that if I show you, you wont understand. Afraid to make a move, afraid to breath, I silently cry in my heart. My tears choke my soul, I try to keep it together grasping at the last ounces of my sanity. What is happening to me? Dear God, I have broken, the tape that has kept me together no longer holds. Instead the pieces fall to the ground and shatter further some getting stuck in my eye. I am a terrible mess. I feel like at any moment in front of you I will start to cry, and then you will laugh. Your laugh will resonate in the universe like a mocking bell and ring so shrill that it will force me to submission. I will be on my knees, bleeding from my eyes, choking from inside, paralyzed by my fear, afraid for my life, waiting for your arms. Waiting for your love to heal me.  

A tremor goes through my body and you dont even know. I am among you. And you dont even understand. I struggle everyday, and it is all masked. Now I sit across from all of you, and you accept me as one of yours. I watch you hungrly as you put food in your mouth

Rainy Party

There! Perfect!
I look at myself in the mirror. This is perfect! I can't wait to show him. I glance anxiously at my phone. Okay well maybe its a bit early, I mean, he knows that this is important. Ive been talking about it all week.
I am done up in my party dress. It hits every curve and highlights every asset. Its lacy and fits like a glove. I know hes going to drop dead when he sees me. I cant wait to show him. I want to put my hands around his neck and kiss him softly and whisper " what do you think?". I smile. Its going to be great!
... ... ... I stare at my phone in disbelief, no missed calls. Where is he? Ive called half a dozen times. My party dress still sits well on me. I glance out the window. Maybe hes going to surprise me. I sigh. I start to get nervous. I tap my foot and go through my texts. Nope no sign. My throat starts to tighten. I understand. He doesn't care. My dress doesn't matter. All my efforts are wasted. The tears start to flow. My china-doll face is ruined. My perfect appearance, my party dress can no longer contain my emotion. I start to cry. I'm just a girl. I'm not important. Hes not coming at all.

Spiritied Away

I exhale your essence, the memory of you, your spirit leaves me, and I feel my body falling. No longer am I filled with you that I float. I cannot fly, I cannot touch the sky. My universe collapses, I feel my body on solid ground. My heart sinks into quicksand, my mind gets buried in darkness. I let go of my senses, as insanity takes control of the wheel, it drives me to the pinnacle of destruction. I stand on the ledge, preparing to jump, watching the last silver shimmer of you float away. I abandon all hope, stop my heart from beating, refuse to breath in. I spread my arms out, I stand on my toes, and welcome the slow first movement of the fall into the abyss. My body picks up speed, I hurl through the air, feel the cold against my skin, shut out the screams, and accept my descent into the ground. I close my eyes and prepare myself for impact.
My body lets out a gasp, as it hits icy water, surprised I open my eyes, my arms take over, and begin the tedious task of trying to rescue me. I refuse to accept my survival, and once my head breaks through the water into open air, I let out a scream. The clouds gather round to laugh at my misery, the storm gathers in my heart and fills the hole that you left. The waves throw me around, and exhaust  the very fibers of my being. I am caught in a whirlwind, unable to get my barrings, unable to fight, although moments ago I reached serenity. My decisiveness shattered, my plans destroyed, my life cheated twice. Your laugh echoes through the air, and reverberates off the water, hitting my ears like a sonic blast. I spin out of control and into the whirlpool pulled apart by competing currents, I sink to the bottom unconscious.

Art by Leona DeLioncourt

Im the Original

The last month has been tough. I have been taking pills that make me better but have sucked all life out of my imagination. So I dropped them. Take that B*TCH! I have mixed feelings about this move. But at least I can think straighter ( despite being emotional). I have left everything to the last minute ( cause of my mental state), and now am struggling to catch up at school... What? It happens! But I got it Baby! All this psychedelic shit in my head has to pay off. Screw mood swings. I am either insane or genius, so its time to find which one I AM.
CAPS, WHY HAVENT YOU CALLED BACK? I need someone to talk me through whatever is happening in my head.
In the mean Time , study Study STUDY!

I like the way you Move!!!

Most of all, I LIKE THE WAY YOU MOVE!

Goethe's Faust

My peace is gone,

My heart is sore;

I'll find it never

And nevermore.

To be without him,

Is like a grave;

The sweet world all

Is turned to gall.

Ah, my poor head

Is so distraught

Ah, my poor mind

Can think no thought.

My peace is gone,

My heart is sore;

I'll find it never

And nevermore.

I stand by my window,

I seek only him.

I run from my door

To be but with him.

His noble gait,

Lofty and wise;

The smile on his lips,

The force of his eyes.

In the flow of his words,

Is magical bliss.

The clasp of his hand

Ah, what bliss!

My peace is gone,

My heart is sore;

I'll find it never

And nevermore.

My heart is yearning

To be at his side,

To clasp and enfold him

And hold him tight

To love and to kiss,

To mumur and sigh,

And under his kiss 

To melt and to die! 

( 3374- 3413) 

I see you smile, you shake your head and say you understand. Unfortunately you are unable to do anything about it. " That's the way it is", you say. You pour compliments as sweet as honey, you tell me how brilliant I am. I hate YOU. Your pleasantries are nothing to me, you refuse to help without saying it. You're cowardly, stuck in this small office, surrounded by youth and you resent it. Your negativity rubs off on me, you break me down and make me cry, saying its okay you understand. But you don't. You're cruel and heartless and care about my money. Your only suggestion is that I give you more. That is what They taught you. You're never here to help me. Your eyes are deceivingly filled with pity, your smile is fake, the concern in your voice is practiced. You are part of a machine, that breaks young spirits and drives them mad.

Im Trapped

I am trapped within my own body,
Betrayed by my friend, I feel alone and scared. I look down at my paper, my results, my test and red numbers jump out at me. I see the doctors hand circle these little evil symbols, and I know there is sound. I cannot hear it though. Its all silent. I stare in disbelief. Thats not mine. Thats not me. I can't understand. I did everything right, this was only meant to be a normal check up, this wasnt supposed to happen to me. My body is suddenly not mine, unknown, its alien. All trust disappears. I am not myself. This is not me. I look up and try to find a friend, but tears flood my eyes, and I cannot ask for help. I am a prisioner in my own home, my soul is trapped in a burning building... no escape. I am being roasted alive.

Eating Healthy... AGAIN !

My Breakfast

 

Lunch

 

Dinner

YUMMY!!!!!!!!!!

Yesterdays post

Dear Readers,


I am feeling great. The sun has finally showed its face and brought some energy back into my life. Driving down the familiar roads today got me thinking how much things change and how much they stay the same. I can always count on the seasons to remind me of how spectacular life truly is. Spring is around the corner, and just this knowledge alone leaves me feeling on top of the world. I am ready for you, life. I want you. To be a part of me. I want to be a part of you. I am ready to participate instead of hide away. Oh my do you leave me oh so content. Ironically currently I am at the local starbucks, ( I am sure many bloggers have experienced this) and staring out the window, I enjoy glaring into the setting sun. How romantic eh? But am I romanced? Is life romantic? My soul is always searching for something. I am always left wanting. Hungering for more. Just more of everything. I adore this feeling of hope and I know it leaves me restless, but it also gives me strength. Strength I have long forgotten. I feel my fun , sexy, adventures self awaken from a long sleep. I feel my flirty come back. Yes I said flirty, as though it is a noun. I know that I am going to enjoy waking up in the morning more. I am going to look forward to more things, more adventures. I am making amends with my past and forgiving myself and others for everything that needs to be forgiven. It has been a long time coming. But I am here World. I HAVE ARRIVED.

Make Me!

STOP!

Hello Transition POINT!

Yet Again.

Kay dear readers, if you have been following my life lately you'll know where im at. So much has changed in my life, so quickly. So many new views. I can hardly Recognize what I have become lately. Its almost like, Omg, who the hell is that woman in the mirror? What is she like? What does she do? What does she stand for?

Oh boy, time to get my self on track. I got 3 essays to write, one by the end of this week and a midterm worth 25% of my mark. Oh and did I mention that I have been slacking on my Bartending exam, meaning I haven't taken it yet. Like WTF? I have been procrastinating. I KNOW WHAT I WANT... but im stretching my guilty pleasure of not being responsible for a little bit. Time to get back on that horse.
Sigh, it was nice while it lasted. But honestly, I have been dealing with so much issues that I have had a few melt downs these last few weeks. And I mean giant tears streaming down my face. Especially when it comes to certain relationships. A few I have had to let go, and I mean, I have finally cut people out of my life. I haven't really done that since like grade school, and mended relationships that needed to be mended. I have even reached out to friends I haven't talked to in years and it feels great. Its finally time to keep those I like around me, and eliminate all the rest, cause honestly I have enough drama in my life and I am sick of people taking advantage of me. Enough is enough!

So now I really need to focus on the next few weeks with school and exams, and yes I have decided that I will be continuing my fashion certificate with George Brown, and yes, I am going to run my own business. And yes, I will start really writing, like publicly, finally start sending my shit to places and seeing what it can do. Its time that I stop making excuses, and finally take I have accumulated over the years and just apply it.

Hello Grown up ME ! I LOVE YOU !
JUST Note to self, PLEASE PLEASE, Don't lose the fun and crazy part. That stuff is worth its weight in gold! 

Spring Rain

Rain drops slowly start falling from the heavens, and upon reaching the ground collide with grey snow, melting it. I stand outside, face up turned to the slow drops of water and sigh. The drops, cold against my face, corrode my make-up leaving my face exposed, reminding me of the way you entered my life. Your slow and deliberate love, your patient outpouring, corroded the walls around my heart. My insurance against pain melted like the snow around me, quickly disappearing into the sewers, leaving my heart like the earth, naked. Vulnerable, yet full of promise of the green grass and flowers that would soon spring. Full of hope and laughter, my heart cleansed of the cold cover it so painstakingly accumulated over the long winter months. The rain becomes more steady beating at my face, I close my eyes. I feel its rhythmic beat in my chest. The same rhythm that only occurs when you are near. It leaves a melody so sweet, that I yearn, for more rain to fall, and when it stops, the sun will kiss my face, and like the sun you will leave your impression on my heart. And I will contently bask in and not ask why the sun rises the way it does, instead give thanks to its power, and forgive it for hiding from me for so long.

The Book of the Dead

Oh my heart which I had from mother! Oh my heart at different ages! Do not stand up as a witness against me, do not be opposed to me in the tribunal, do not be hostile to me in the presence of the keeper of balance, for you are my “ka” which was in my body, the protector who made my members strong. Go forth to the happy place toward which we speed, do not tell lies about me in the presence of the god; it is indeed well that you should hear!

There comes a point in our lives, were nothing is black and white anymore. Its just lots of grey. Go try and navigate out of that shit. Tell me what you come up with, because the more I try the Grayer it gets. Its like if I keep struggling and thrashing around, the more caught up I seem in this. So I'm going to stop.
JUST STOP. I am going to go with the flow, and let the current take me were ever. How does that sound?
Like a bad IDEA !~
OMG, I am so royally FUCKED!
Is this what grown up life is all about? All these questions and decisions and no real answers to them?

Point

Dear World,
I am at a Point ( . ) in my life where I radiate Confusion (*). Please help!
Signed,
Im lost!

Smile

DONT FORGET TO SMILE PEOPLE!!!!!!

GO ON!!!!
ITS GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!!

Ghost

Oh God, Ive been living with a ghost. No, even the word ghost implies that he is real. I have been chatting with a memory, a mere hallucination. I have been carrying him around everywhere I go. Asking his opinion. Waiting for a reply. None come, so I make him say something. Something that might be real. Not like me. Not like my life. It is not real. I am not here anymore. I am with my ghost. He and I spend long hours together. In happy land. One that doesn't exist. I am stuck in limbo. The only time I leave it, is when I close my eyes and start to dream. That is the only time I can escape this living phantom. He doesn't follow me when I sleep. He reminds outside. He waits while I sleep. Waits to plague me with images that aren't there. He forces me to think of nothing else. Until he consumes me. Until, I can't take it anymore, so I stopped fighting him. I let him sit next to me when I watch TV. Sometimes, he likes to hold my hand. Just to torture me with his presence. I smile at him, although hes killing me inside.
The only way to escape his face, is to lose all consciousness. But when I wake, I am the living dead.  

Reality...

Where does it begin?
A few days ago, I ended up in the hospital in severe pain, and was given morphine for my troubles. Long after the painkilling benefits wore off, I started to experience disenchantment, I became depressed, up to the point of hysteria. Nothing seemed to matter, not school, not family, not friends. There was no motivation to do anything, not even breath. I did not feel like myself, like I was in the wrong body. I was surrounded by the familiar but nothing seemed real to me. I wasn't dreaming, but I wasnt all together there. I didn't like being that way. It was like I was trapped in my own body. Imprisioned within my mind.
I realized that I didn't like that feeling, the helpless, Im not in charge of my emotions type thing, was soooo not me. So it makes me question, What is our reality and how easily is it to alter it?

Where do I Belong?

Okay, Sociology studying is getting to me. Honestly. There is a lot of talk about human affiliation and with my Sociology of Religion course, questions that I haven't asked in years have resurfaced. Mainly on the subject of my own belonging to certain groups, and my ancestral claims. I know it shouldn't matter... but it does. In my family I have 2 dominant religions that vied for power even before I was born. Being the product of communism and having parents raised in that environment, I have been taught a great many things. Many opposing views are constantly battling one another for my attention, and on top of that I am a product of immigration and resocialization. Half of my school career was based on the public School Board Teachings ( this includes the Big Bang theory and Darwin's theory of evolution) and the other on the Catholic School Boards teachings ( God created the world in 7 days, and Jesus is the savior). My early childhood consisted of me, acknowledging my baptism into the Orthodox church against my mothers wishes, while at the same time understanding that my grandfather is a Jew and whether I like it or not I have blood ties to that clan and  that way of life, so I was exposed to its culture by my mother. The atrocities of the Second World War were constantly discussed in my household and I was told never to reveal my families bloodlines for fear of prosecution.  Holy Shit (and pardon the phrase) but was I a messed up child or what. It seemed that after the Western World combusted, I inherited pieces of everything at once. The shitty part is that aq`Orthodox Christians do not see me as one of them, Catholics reject me, and the Jews wouldn't even give me a second glance, its as though Abraham and Sarah have disowned me, themselves. Judaism is based on blood ties, and I know that just because someone botched up my baptism that doesn't mean that blood and DNA evaporates out of my veins, my grandfather and his family have faced the same prosecution, and  he was even buried with the Star of David in his passport, so who the hell are you people to tell me that I don't belong. And yes, I have considered, as my mother has before me, to convert, but if I convert, that means that I become the "adoptive daughter" of Sarah and Abraham which is kind of silly and insulting, not only is it a step down from "daughter by blood", but aren't I already blood related so how can people who haven't walked on this earth for centuries, disown me like that ?
As far as Christianity goes, my indoctrination was not my choice, and although I keep to certain religious holidays, they by no means hold a significant status in my mind besides the fact that it brings the family together at the dinner table. And although it is laden with historical context, I by no means am proud of half of the actions carried out by the Church in the name of Our Lord. In fact I denounce violence in all its forms, hello Buddha!
So what am I to do? Forget my past as there is no way that my claim will ever be considered legitimate, neglect my present as it does not in anyway coincide with my own values and my idea of virtuous spirituality, and forge a new path ( at least for me, and my future offspring) that I have no idea to what end it might lead?
Talking to my immediate family on this matter doesn't seem to easy the tension, especially since they are so liberal and I am so stubborn. They would be happy for me no matter what... but would I? Where is the book of Answers when you need one? Help, Where do I fit in?

Study Study!

Going back to school last September, brought tears to my eyes and a lot of thinking before hand. Mostly on the topic of my overall happiness of such an endeavour, so at the end of it all I decided to take one course for me, thinking it would be easy... Ha Ha Ha. Have you ever heard the saying " There is no such thing as an easy A!"? And Ta-Da you have my Sociology of Religion course. Yikes. Every other course doesn't pose as much a problem as this one does, and to think that 80 people were on the waiting list before me. But today I have devoted my time to The readings of The Arabian Nights ( for my lit class) and to Socio of Religion, and what do you know? This course actually does give me satisfaction. I have been reading the course material and came upon the following saying,

"All we are is the result of what we have thought"

-Buddha-

 

WOW! There goes the self-pity! How simple, yet how often do I forget this? Haven't I studied Buddhism before this? Oh, Yeah, like 5 years ago, when I self-proclaimed my-self a Buddhist. I realized that my compassion stems from my previous encounter with this religion. I have adopted this "Middle Path" as part of my inner being at the tender age of 16, letting it bring me out of my darkness, driving depression out of my soul and by approaching the age of 22, I have somehow let it take a backseat in my mind. Why? Do I really think myself to be so supreme that I have no need of Divine Providence? Or so full of answers to life's questions that I feel no need to educate and provision my soul further? Often times, I know I have wondered off the path and unlike Dante, I have realized this not "Midway along the journey of our life" (1, Canto I, Inferno, Divine Comedy), but still very near the beginning of it. How magnificent, to know that unlike many in the world I have the accessibility to such knowledge and even better to great teachers. Who wouldn't want to follow a religion, where the symbol is the water lily that blossoms, in a muddy pond, showing that purity can spring from even the most dire conditions. See studying is not so bad, I think I learned something today! HURRAY! So now I resolve to be like the Lotus blossom, just floating in a murky pond, being my pretty self. Who knows, maybe I will make friends with a nice frog, and let him sit on my Lily pad, while I listen to his song.

My Purple Monster Soup!

Today I made a Purple Monster Soup ( my own creation), 5 ingredients and water. LUNCH IS SERVED... YUM! Now back to studying.

My master piece!

My Laundry Bags as promised!

A little elbow grease is all I needed to finish these suckers! Now im looking into a super dupper sewing machine, and maybe a serger to go with it. Anyone know where I can get one cheap?

Volcanic Eruptions!

This year I have decided that I would like a different job, something that would sustain me through school, but something that I can have some fun doing... so Ta-da I am now attending Bar tending school for a few short weeks in preparation for my glorious career as a bartender. HELLO TAX FREE TIPS!

Anyhow, this week has been hectic with regular University ( mostly night classes) and bar tending school ( of course during the day cause that's my free time) plus some other projects and family and friends... and oh yeah I still have to study for all that. It is during these difficult and often exhausting times that I often let my mind wonder ( so I procrastinate a little, get over it) what I would be doing in a year, two and so on. And oh boy do I want to do everything, somebody dear to me once commented that if they allowed people to jump out of a plane into a volcano over flowing with lava, with a canoe and canoe out of that thing, I would probably do it. Which of course, they are absolutely right!
Doesn't that sound like fun?
The truth of the matter is, Life is just too short to sit around and day dream about things. Its all about being actively involved. Don't get me wrong its nice to day dream... but its even nicer to actualize those dreams. Everyday, I try to do at least one thing that brings me closer to my dreams... it exhausts the hell out of me... ( heck I even passed out today... thank god that mum was home... my heart just went berserk) but I honestly don't know what else I would be doing if I wasn't pursuing things that I want. Sure sometimes I wish people were on the say page as me... but its not a necessity. LIFE IS JUST TOO FUCKING SHORT and I'M GRABBING THE BULL BY THE HORNS! DON'T MESS WITH ME LIFE. I WANT WHAT I WANT AND I WANT IT NOW!!!

On another note, I am very proud of myself, I have dug out the old sewing machine yesterday, and made two marvelous laundry bags... pictures will follow because I have the need to brag about my sewing skills... muhahaha. I love working with my hands ( get your minds out of the gutter people) there's just something so satisfying about it!

Round table gathering

Countless smiling faces sitting around the table, all have some resemblance to you, you who sit next to me. Their joyous chatter and playful manner makes me smile, fills my heart with warmth and leaves me content. I turn to see each as they speak and love them instantly, solely based on the connection they have to you. Your concern with them becomes my concern, I feel them grow on me as I have let you grow on me and each and every one of them becomes part of my life,part of me. I feel the danger rising, if I were to lose them, if something were to happen to one, I would surely hurt.

I let my mind wonder, what have I done to deserve such good company, what god have I pleased to gain so many good people in my life. And when will I lose such favour, and be left empty and alone.

When will I lose you?

When I lose you, I know I will lose more than just you. I will lose more than your freckles, your sweet smile, your laughter and your good company; I will lose their good company, their smiles, and their laughter. Destruction will come from all sides and I will be blown to a thousand smithereens. You have ensured this. Sitting here, I know it’s too late, the wheels are in motion. The End is Inevitable.

Working Hard Baby...

So I have a few projects lined up already and some are underway, over the next few weeks I will be sharing with you my little tings that I do to improve my life, just the little things, not the big things. Also this blog is no longer anonymous, I will be letting ya'll into my life so you may share my pains and triumphs and hopefully you will share yours with me. On that Note...

I have realized that my past effects my present and future. Many years ago, I used to play rugby in high school and dislocated my shoulders. Being the stubborn kid that I was, I refused to seek medical attention on the bases that treatment would end my rugby career, which eventually happened anyway. But since then I have had reoccurring, back, shoulder and neck pain. Most of the time its not as bad, but this week its bad to the point of tears. Yes my dear friends I have cried multiple times, on account of the pain. I have even had to enlist my sister's help to get me out of bed, after my afternoon nap. Which got me thinking, what would I do if I were to lose the functionality of my upper body ( god forbid) due to my stupidity as a kid? Today had proved to be an emotionally trying day, it made me feel helpless and afraid. I have discovered a fear beyond my worst fear, which is ending up alone for the rest of my life, it is being physically helpless and dependent on others. So, Part of my New Years Resolution is to take care of myself and never ever let my stupid feeling of invincibility over power rationality.  Working hard and achieving goals is all well and dandy but it is not worth my health. SO raise a glass to a healthy balance in life of working hard.

My Dears and My Years

2011 is full of resolutions and objectives and dreams and desires. The end result of which is to just be a better and more happy person. It is to have no fear when pursuing happiness, and to view mistakes as a learning experience rather than this awful end of the world thing. My christian up bringing makes me seek perfection in myself, and others and shun those things that are by nature seemingly imperfect. But this preoccupation with the "Right" thing makes me lose perspective and often hinders my growth as a person, hinders my progression. I shouldn't be worried about doing the "Right" thing, but with doing whats right for me. Who, says that to desire companionship is sinful and prideful, or to want money to live comfortably and worry free, greedy? How many times have I agonized about wanting something and had to apologize for my wants? Countless. Well no more in 2011. I resolve to continue wanting what I want, but also letting go of the guilt of these wants and just follow them. Put them into action. I have waited long enough to be an adult, but once I got here nothing seemed to change, especially my childhood upbringing that kept me down on the ground. I say No More. Bible I like you, but i will not condemn others cause they condemn me, and I will not judge others as well as I will not judge myself. I resolve to live ethically, by my own virtues and values, but I will not apologize for what I am and what I want out of this life. Instead I will accept it and Live Freely.

Happy New Year

ENJOY TheTheme song of this Year