93 posts later...

This is moving, Im moving!
Okay well not me, not yet, but this blog is! I have ranted on it for as much as I could! It has housed everything Ive felt in the last year and pretty much captured all my struggles... for those of you who havent figured it out. Its time to move it to a bigger and better blog.

Its time to share, the places Ive been, the people I've seen, the things Ive done and the love I've shared. Moving on up babies. Putting my writing skills to use. MWA... Love you baby dragonflies!

Away

Okay so I am not on vacation, but I am so busy that I am on the brink of being thoroughly overwhelmed. 3 summer courses and a job is killing me slowly, but this is what I wanted to do. This is what I signed up for. So why am I feeling so out of it all the time? Lack of sleep or maybe lack of self-discipline. I feel the waters slowely rising and seeping through the walls. Screaming doesn't help. I've tried.

I feel betrayed. Its in the past, long gone, but I feel it still. I can't look at you. I avoid you like the plague, avoid your gaze, avoid your touch. You have been tainted and I have been in the dark. I cannot ask you. I feel ashamed. Ashamed for what I think you have done. Ashamed for the innocence you've stolen from me. Replaced it with doubt and mistrust. 

A little Whitman

Today I spent outside hanging with my cat, staring down a raccoon, watching it disregard my space and take a nap infront of me. I dealt with a giant spider ( didn't kill it) , made home-made flat bread pizza, watched a butterfly land on my BB and got some readings done for my American Lit class and of course had a passage resonate in my soul. From Walt Whitman's intro to "Leaves of Grass"

"...This is what you shall do: Love the earth and sun and the animals, despise riches, give alms to every one that asks, stand up for the stupid and crazy, devote your income and labor to others, hate tyrants, argue not concerning God, have patience and indulgence toward the people, take off your hat to nothing known or unknown or to any man or number of men, go freely with powerful uneducated persons and with the young and with the mothers of families, read these leaves in the open air every season of every year of your life, re-examine all you have been told at school or church or in any book, dismiss whatever insults your own soul, and your very flesh shall be a great poem and have the richest fluency not only in its words but in the silent lines of its lips and face and between the lashes of your eyes and in every motion and joint of your body..." 

Waiting

Wait, who is that again? I feel like the skin I am wearing is not mine. Wait, who are you again? I feel like we were never introduced properly. Wait, what is this again? I feel like this situation is messed up.

I don't understand what is happening to me, to you, to us. I feel all alone, as I watch you, sit beside me I keep trying to touch you but my hands cant reach you and my words wont move you. I am afraid. Afraid for my life and for yours. I fear that things will change, more quickly then we anticipated and then one or both will be hurt. I want to hold you, but my fear keeps me paralyzed in my spot, and I feel that if I show you, you wont understand. Afraid to make a move, afraid to breath, I silently cry in my heart. My tears choke my soul, I try to keep it together grasping at the last ounces of my sanity. What is happening to me? Dear God, I have broken, the tape that has kept me together no longer holds. Instead the pieces fall to the ground and shatter further some getting stuck in my eye. I am a terrible mess. I feel like at any moment in front of you I will start to cry, and then you will laugh. Your laugh will resonate in the universe like a mocking bell and ring so shrill that it will force me to submission. I will be on my knees, bleeding from my eyes, choking from inside, paralyzed by my fear, afraid for my life, waiting for your arms. Waiting for your love to heal me.  

A tremor goes through my body and you dont even know. I am among you. And you dont even understand. I struggle everyday, and it is all masked. Now I sit across from all of you, and you accept me as one of yours. I watch you hungrly as you put food in your mouth

Rainy Party

There! Perfect!
I look at myself in the mirror. This is perfect! I can't wait to show him. I glance anxiously at my phone. Okay well maybe its a bit early, I mean, he knows that this is important. Ive been talking about it all week.
I am done up in my party dress. It hits every curve and highlights every asset. Its lacy and fits like a glove. I know hes going to drop dead when he sees me. I cant wait to show him. I want to put my hands around his neck and kiss him softly and whisper " what do you think?". I smile. Its going to be great!
... ... ... I stare at my phone in disbelief, no missed calls. Where is he? Ive called half a dozen times. My party dress still sits well on me. I glance out the window. Maybe hes going to surprise me. I sigh. I start to get nervous. I tap my foot and go through my texts. Nope no sign. My throat starts to tighten. I understand. He doesn't care. My dress doesn't matter. All my efforts are wasted. The tears start to flow. My china-doll face is ruined. My perfect appearance, my party dress can no longer contain my emotion. I start to cry. I'm just a girl. I'm not important. Hes not coming at all.